I was in a relationship with someone and you think that once you are in a relationship, you are safe from insecurities. This is so false.
Three months into my relationship, my boyfriend revealed to me that he was addicted to something. Something that many take lightly, but it should not to be taken like that. It is only recently that people started realizing how horrible this drug is.
He told me and I started to see myself and others differently. I started needing to be skinnier so I could fit his desires, so I could keep him. I loved the man, but he loved something more.
We'd walk hand-in-hand and I would notice really thin girls -- especially girls with thigh gaps. I would hear his voice in my head saying "Don't get fat. I do not want to be married to you and have to feel the need to go to cabarets."
Definitely harsh. If I were to remind him now about it, he wouldn't remember saying it. He'd say he never meant that. Somehow I do not believe it to be true because this kind of thought came from his addiction.
His addiction to pornography.
I know this is a bad addiction. I knew it changed him and would continue to, but I never viewed porn before so I did not know the details.
He tried fighting it and I tried my best to help. He would give me his computer at night, or when he had a craving we would go on a walk. I did what I could.
He would update me if he relapsed. I would tell him it was not okay, but try to motivate him to do better. Late I would run to my room and cry. I would look at myself, even at 90 lbs, and see myself as fat. It dawned on me that if I was skinnier it would be the best way to help him. This fuelled my eating disorder.
We had a lot of problems regarding that, but I never once told him how this addiction made me feel. I was sure he already felt guilty and like failure every time he relapsed. Why give him something more to feel pain about?
Later, we went on to do a long distance stretch. His loneliness filled him with cravings. Cravings I could not help get rid of because I was over 3000 miles away. He would call me at work or late at night to help chase those demons away.
One night he called me at 4 am saying he was sorry. Sorry he kept looking at these things. Sorry he was doing this and sorry he was not strong enough to stop. Sorry he lied to me when he said he was going to do the dishes, or mow the lawn, but was really viewing pornography.
It was the next morning that I told him. I told him how his addiction had erupted an eating disorder inside of me. He was scared, stressed, and could not handle it.
He ran away, came back, apologized, and I stayed.
I worked at an accounting office. I saw all these older women who were heavier. I feared that if I ate at this office, I would gain weight and when my guy came home he would be disgusted with me.
This was the biggest fuel to the fire of my ED.
I remember having a container of lays stax. I looked at it and chucked it. I refused to eat it. The most I ate was three packets of oatmeal. Sometimes I would fail at that goal. I would eat an extra few ritz crackers or something and this tortured me.
Knowing he was looking at women who had a smaller waist, bigger boobs, and nicer curves tortured me. Especially when he could view them without any strings attached. He did not have to text them, or send them letters. A click of a button and there they were. Ready to please him. Ready to replace me.
I had to be perfect. I knew I could not have bigger boobs without surgery, so the next best thing was to have a smaller waist and nicer curves. On went the corsets and up came the food I consumed.
For a few months he was clean. I was convinced it was because of how skinny I had become. The coincidence led into more dieting so that he could resist the temptation of pornography.
When we were first reunited, he complimented me like he had never complimented me before. I felt dizzy from lack of sugar, but so confident in my body. After being reunited for a little while, I started to gain weight again. I guess I became comfortable being with him again. He was there and he was mine. Nothing to worry about.
Then he relapsed.
I ran around my room screaming and crying. It was ALL my fault. I had gotten fat.
HOW COULD I BE SO CARELESS?! How could I let my pleasure of eating DRAG him back down to this addiction!? It was MY fault. I was the one to blame. ME. MY FAULT.
I later learned that is was not, which will be written up some other time.
However, this made me relapse all over again.
Never ever tell me that pornography is harmless. Don't tell me it is something to brush off. Don't you dare tell me it does not torture your partner.
So question many ask me is:
Why did you stay?
This will be answered in my next blog.
- SS
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